Casting Down the Idols of Courtship: Perfection

Casting Down the Idols of Courtship

We need to be always living ‘semper reformada’. One of the most important ways in which we must do that is to be always searching our lives for idols, gods of our current age or of our own invention, which have crept into our lives and which we must cast down. In our current desire to see to the proper marriages of our sons and daughters we have invented a system, which we call courtship, in which we have incorporated several of these idols… idols that must be cast down. Here I present some of them.

Perfection

Our culture, at least the courtship part of it, has made a principle out of a father’s protection of his daughter; and extended it to a prejudice toward refusing ‘imperfect’ young men in marriage toward their daughters. It is assumed, and sometimes stated, that one of the purposes of the path to marriage is the protection of the daughter; a protection which, it is implied, can only happen if imperfect and unworthy young men are rejected.

But this is not a Scriptural principle, nor is it the Scriptural standard. Far from the Scriptural emphasis being on the protection of daughters, it is on the provision of daughters: the provision of daughters to other men’s sons. And far from Scripture presenting a principle of marriage to the perfect young man; they focus and insist on the exact opposite, on the provision of a daughter to an imperfect and needy young man.

As harsh and unfeeling as it sounds to our ears a daughter is not seen as a rose to be hidden under glass, but a gift to be given. Her fruitfulness is frequently mentioned, her delicate sensibilities less so. She is seen as at her best when rising to a difficult task, not when tenderly sheltered. And the entire focus of Scripture is not on her father, but on her husband. How then can it be the role of that father to refuse to give her to that husband?

“But,” it will be asked by many fathers, “don’t I have the right to refuse a given suitor?” Of course you do… if by ‘right’ you mean power. If by ‘right’ you mean ‘is it the right thing to do?’ then you must ask yourself if, by denying this suitor, are you increasing the number of marriages in the church? If so, then yes. A non-Christian young man can, indeed should normally, be refused. An excommunicant young man, still living unrepentant, should also be refused. Marrying your daughter to one of these decreases the number of Godly, Christian marriages.

But how is it a form of obedience to God’s charge to ‘Let every man have his own wife’ to answer ‘but not my daughter’? How could God have said, “It is better to marry than to burn” and have meant that only perfect young men should marry?

James says Jas 1:2-4 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

Do we not deny our daughters joy when we are overly protective? Do we not deny them the opportunity to grow and be fruitful. Even physical growing has growing pains. What is it that we fear in pain and suffering? Paul embraced it. All marriages, indeed all of life, will include pain and suffering. We are all fallen creatures and we sin against each other. It is through that pain and suffering, through those difficult trials, that the Lord transforms us and can use us for His glory. It is when we are weak that we are strong, because we are strong in His strength, not our own.

Rebekah’s was blessed with the blessing: Thou art our sister, be thou the mother of thousands of millions, and let thy seed possess the gate of those which hate them. Gen 24:60 It was not a blessing of ease or lack of pain. It was a blessing of fruitfulness and conquest. Hebrews 11 asks us to emulate and follow those who: “…Who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens. Women [who] received their dead raised to life again: and others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection: And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment: They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented; (Of whom the world was not worthy:) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth. (Heb 11:33-38 IAV)” Nowhere is it said that we should emulate those who, out of fear of giving their daughter to a sinful and imperfect young man, kept her safely home. Indeed Christ said, to the man who hid his talent: “ Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.” God has given us our daughters as stewards, and he expects a return. A fruitful and blessed return, not a shameful and cowardly protection.